101 Tales of Pure Insanity
by AJandtheVoicesInMyHead
Summary: Did you know that all people go certifiably insane at some point in their adolesance? Well, all people includes metahumans. 101 oneshots about the crazy things teenagers sometimes do. Rated because of the psycotic way of the teen mind.
1. Captive

**Hey all! And welcome to: 101 Tales of Pure Insanity! Before you start, I'd like to let you know that every situation in this fic is based on events that I have actually witnessed. I have strange friends. Huh… Oh, well. On to conquer! **

**Disclaimer: **_Whatever they told you, they lied to you. It's not mine! _

Pure Insanity 

Captive

Raven was just headed out of her room when she heard an odd sort of noise.

Bumpclick…bumpclick…bumpclick…bumpclick… 

It was coming from the main room. And of course, as even half demons aren't immune to curiosity, she had to check it out.

As soon as she got the source of the sound, she came to regret that.

Starfire and Beast Boy were standing in the kitchen, laughing their seemingly empty heads off. Cyborg was taking as many digital shots as he could get.

And Robin, the source of both the commotion and the noise, was lying on the kitchen floor, tied and gagged.

Everything stopped when Raven walked in. The four titans stared at her. She stared at them. No one moved, with the exception of the captive (Robin) who continued to struggle against his bonds.

Bumpclick…bumpclick…bumpclick… 

Raven did and about-face and left the room.

There were some things she was better off not knowing.

Now put that in a cafeteria, give Robin blue hair, double the number of captures, and put me in Raven's shoes. You now have last Thursday at my high school. Like I said: Weird. Review if you're so inclined!


	2. 1000 Ways to Kill

**Dudes! Welcome back to 101 Tales of Pure Insanity. Thank you to my two lovely reviewers, for letting me know that I'm not wasting my time droning on about how odd my life is. It is very odd. Anywho, I'll be getting this up just as soon as I figure out how to make chapters. And now, the excuse for my being distracted during fourth period today. **

**Disclaimer: **_Please ignore the man behind the curtain, for he will tell you lies! I do not own them. _

Pure Insanity 

1000 ways to kill Beast Boy

Beast Boy sneaked into the kitchen in the form of a mouse. His target was directly in front of him, unaware. They couldn't see him coming, not this time.

Now you may be wondering: what could be so important that he couldn't just ask for it like a normal person?

Well, that was just what he wanted to know.

For weeks, there had been the glances, the avoidance of questions, the stifled laughter. His teammates all seemed to be in on it, even Raven. But they wouldn't tell him what "it" was.

And he wanted to know why.

So there he was, trying not to make any noise on the hard kitchen floor, for if the mechanical teen heard it he'd hide whatever it was from view and the chance to know would be gone. He had reached the table, he only needed to scurry up there and…

"HA!"

Cyborg jumped as Beast Boy suddenly changed back and grabbed the incriminating item out of his hands.

"I _knew_ you were up to something! Now what do you have to say Mister…"

Beast Boy stopped dead as he looked at the small packet of papers in his hands. He'd been so busy savoring his victory; he had only just noticed the title of the piece.

"1000 Ways to Kill Beast Boy!"

"Yeah, and it's a load of fun to come up with. Though I might need to censure some of Raven's ideas. Man, that girl knows _way_ to much about pain!"

Beast Boy stared at his friend, and then at the papers. He was beginning to regret ever coming in here.

He opened the book. Inside were several comic strips, all ending in separate versions of him being maimed, beaten, and/or intoxicated.

"Dude! That's just not fair!" he responded to one.

"Aw, come on! Dangling the Raven doll over a volcano wasn't even my idea! It was Robins."

"Robin's in on this!"

"Yep! And Star too."

"Star!"

"Uh huh. That's her's right there. The one where you're going over a waterfall into the canyon of sharp rocks."

Beast Boy shook his head and turned the page.

"Okay, now that's just sick."

"Yah, I'm starting to think Rae's been spending to much time in that room of her's. She's just having _way _too much fun with this."

Beast Boy turned a few more pages, feeling more than just a bit worried about the future of his own wellbeing.

"You know what?" he said, slamming the papers back down on the table.

"I'm sorry I asked."

**Dedicated to Kelly; may the fantasies of your death never cease to amuse us. Or distract us in art class. Heh heh. Try and review! **

**Today's Random word of Wisdom: **_If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. _


	3. Flamboyant

**Hello, my wonderful little flowers. Welcome yet again to 101 Tales of Pure Insanity! I'm extremely hyped up on caffeine and it's pretty late at night, but I don't care 'cause I'M GOIN' TO SEE ELTON JOHN! Woo! Just had to brag on that. Anywho, many thanks again to my two reviewers. It _sniff_ means so much to me that you care. Yeah, I had a lot of sugar today too. Alright so this one is actually something my little brother and his friends did. Please don't ask why. Oh, and yes, a group of flamingoes is called a flamboyant.**

**Disclaimer: **_I cannot tell a lie. It was I who chopped down the cherry tree. Georgie was just covering for me. Oh, and they're not mine. _

Pure Insanity 

A flamboyant of hostages

Raven was heading down the hall, minding her own business.

And then she saw it.

It was taped on Cyborg's bedroom door, and made little cense.

She stared at it, trying to decrypt the code it was undoubtedly written in. Then, she remembered this morning.

Flashback: 

Cyborg headed down the hall, almost continuously stifling giggles. In his hands he carried a large and oddly shaped bag.

Raven stared at the spectacle. She was going to regret this.

"What are you doing?"

Cyborg jumped, dropping the bag. Out of it fell around half a dozen pink lawn flamingoes.

Yep, she was already starting to regret it.

"Rae! You scared me," for some reason he was whispering.

"What are you doing?" she repeated. Even as she said the words, she began to regret it.

An evil smile crept onto the mechanical teens face.

"I'm gonna get him this time. That little grass stain's gonna rue the day he ever flooded _my_ room with motor oil! I'm gonna…"

"Please, spare me the details. On second thought, I don't even want to know."

He shrugged and packed his flamboyant of lawn flamingoes back into their bag. He had work to do.

End Flashback 

Yeah, that was probably it.

She left it where it was, walking off and muttering something about "boys" under her breath.

"It" was a picture of a small flamboyant of flamingoes, all with looks of terror painted on their faces with a magic marker. Attached was a note, written with letters clipped out of a newspaper.

The note read:

_If you ever want to see you're precious birds again, you must first cough up the name of their employer. And then you must bathe yourself in motor oil and wait on the roof. Be ready for punishment. _

_Yours sincerely, _

_Darth Logan_

**Dedicated too: my little brother Johnson and his friend Derek. Yeah, my bro's got weird friends too. Ah, well. Review please! Oh, and I almost forgot; I'M GOIN' TO ELTON JOHN! YEAH!**

**And Today's Random Word of Wisdom: **_Thou shalt not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for thou art crunchy, and good with ketchup. _


	4. Paul

**Hey everybody. Good to see you're still with us. Okay, so I know it's been a while (well, by my standards anyway); I've been trying not to flunk English. Stupid honors system. Anywho, ELTON JOHN ROCKS! Now on to what you came here for! Welcome back to 101 Tales of Pure Insanity! **

**Disclaimer: **_Although my happy singing Tiki bird named Carl may have told you otherwise, they do not belong to me. And for that matter, nor does he. Hey, that rhymed! _

Pure Insanity

Paul the Pillar

Robin was in the gym. If you cannot guess what he was doing in there, you are a nitwit.

Anywho, he was training (lucky for you, I cater to nitwits), when suddenly Beast Boy came flying in.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

If you wish for me to tell you which one was screaming, please see the above statement.

So Beast boy flew in, screaming at the top of his lungs (okay, I give up) and scaring Robin half to death. I say half to death because if he had been scared _to_ death the rest of this story would not be able to happen.

But Robin recovered rather quickly.

"Beast Boy! What the heck are you doing?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Hello! I asked you a question! And what do you mean 'No'?"

"NO! NOT PAUL!"

"Paul?"

Needless to say, this seemingly random behavior had Robin very confused, as well as very annoyed.

"Beast Boy, you tell me what the heck is going on right now or…"

"PLEASE! YOU ALMOST HURT PAUL!"

Robin was loosing the little patience he had.

"WHO THE $# IS PAUL!"

It was then that Robin noticed Beast Boy was clutching the pillar in the center of the room like his very life depended on it.

"PAUL!"

Robin blinked.

…

…

He blinked again.

…

…

A light bulb finally went on in his head.

"Paul the Pillar?"

"Yeah, so?"

Robin opened his mouth.

…

…

He closed it.

…

He shook his head and left the room.

Raven was right; sometimes it was better to just not ask.

**And that, grasshoppers, is why so many dancers go completely and totally madd. These are the things I witness at my own studio on a weekly basis. And trust me, it is not easy to handle. Anywho, allow me to apologize again for my neglect, but expect to hear from me soon. Kelly's Sweet Sixteen is next week. 50 Mormons and countless other teenagers, all dressed as anime characters and hyped up on cake (shudders). If I don't come back, may my wonderful reviewers know how much I love them. Wish me luck. **

**Today's Random Word of Wisdom: **_Reading is knowledge; and knowledge is power; and power corrupts; and corruption is a crime; and crime doesn't pay; so if you keep reading this you'll go broke. _


	5. Party, Pt 1

**Rejoice with me, my children of the corn! I have come from the gathering of the most psychotic minds in my community unscathed! Yes, my little lambs, I am referring to the great gathering of Mormons and teenagers earlier mentioned. And guess what! You're going to hear all about it. Welcome back to 101 Tales of Pure Insanity. As there is no way for me to give you the every strange occurrence that transpired during the time I was at the party in the small spurts of time I have to write (PSATs are coming up), I shall be giving said occurrences to you in smaller parts. My apologies, but I must ask you to be patient.**

**Disclaimer: **_I WON'T SAY IT! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME! (Screams in terrible pain) AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! ALL RIGHT! THEY AREN'T MINE! (Proceeds to break down in uncontrollable blubbering as the crazy mummy layers take away the horrible, terrifying, pinky-pink-fluffy singing bunny of DOOM.) _

Pure Insanity

Party, Pt1: Picture

She was frantic. They were right on her tail, ready to do the unthinkable if they caught her.

She couldn't defend herself. There was no way, except to run.

They were getting closer; she could hear them, almost feel them breathing down her neck.

She could hardly breath anymore. The stitch in her side was growing with every step. But she had to keep going.

They were going to catch up with her. They were going to get her. She shook her head. If they did… If they got her… She didn't even want to think about it.

A dead end. Nowhere to go now. She backed against the wall, horrified.

They had her.

Her arms and legs were held out from her body, eliminating her chances of escape. The culprit stalked forward, prepared to claim his reward.

_Click. _

The three Titans holding her laughed, letting her fall to the ground. Raven got up and brushed herself off, glaring at the large metal man holding the camera before her.

"I could just melt that thing, you know."

"Yeah," he responded, "But where's the fun in that?"

The girl stalked back out into the light of the sunny day, looking to be in a horrible temper.

She hated having her picture taken.

**Dedicated to: Mimi. Sorry Hun, but come on, you're so photogenic! Why fight it? Anywho, to my other lovely readers who don't see me every single day, I am sorry to say that it might be awhile before I am able to return. As I said, PSATs are coming up, and I'm in big trouble if I don't do well. When the brutal tortures of standardized testing are over, I shall once again return to you with undivided attention. Won't that be wonderful! (silence) Hello? A little positive reinforcement here people!**

**Oh, and don't forget to Review!**

**Today's Random Word of Wisdom:** _Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. _


	6. Party, Pt 2

**The person who invented the idea of standardized testing should be shot. Anywho, welcome back to 101 Tales of Pure Insanity! I've survived the first wave of tests in one piece, and am ready to continue with explaining the less painful aspects of what has been happening. Yea! **

**Disclaimer: **_Yesssssss, they are finally minnnnnne. Noooooo! Not the medecccciiinnnnne! Plllleeasssssssssse! (Chokes down crazy pills) Oh, well I guess they aren't mine after all. Just a figment of withdrawal. Huh. _

Pure Insanity

Party, Pt 2: Hunt

Their hounds had him surrounded. There was nowhere left to go.

Horrified and desperate, he tried to find something. A tree, a hole, anything he could use to get away. There was nothing.

Maybe he could just give in. It wasn't like it was going to hurt. What was the harm?

However his pride held strong; he had to get away.

They were closing in. He spotted a foxhole nearby.

But he had hesitated a moment to long. The fiber strands came down on him, destroying his chances of escape. He fell to his knees, defeated.

There was a giggles.

"I win, yes?"

Robin turned his head to the girl holding the butterfly net and grinned.

"Yep."

**Dedicated to: Kelly and Jake. Good luck man, you're in for a long, weird ride. Oh, and just because I'm not currently where she can get me for warning you, stay away from Josephine; she has a very elaborate torture planed for you. Anywho, thank you to my wonderful reviewers, I hope to hear from you all again and maybe some others. Oh, and death to the man who invented the SAT. Toodles!**

**Today's Random Word of Wisdom: **_Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. _


	7. Party, Pt 3

**Why? Why?! WHY?!!! My uncle has decided that we need a new Internet connection! I've been cut off for almost a week! And it'll be two more by the time he gets back from Kent to finish up! I only have a few hours today because Johnson's laptop has a wireless, so I'm going to try and get a few chapters in right now before he gets home from music lessons and finds me using it. Please forgive me!**

**This will be the last Party chapter, as said party was several weeks ago and I have a million other things to move on to. These are just some random questions that came up. **

**Disclaimer: **_Okay, they are mine. (Evil mummy lawyer holds up paper bag threateningly.) Erm… Kidding! They have never belonged to me. (Eyes bag with fear.) _

Pure Insanity 

Party, Pt 3: Questions

"Why do you hate cameras so much?"

"What's with the toilet paper with the writing on it?"

"Are Star and Rob _ever_ going to kiss?"

"What does the toilet paper say?"

"Do you like purple penguins?"

"Are we even supposed to read the toilet paper?"

"Can wooden figures breed?"

"What about blue penguins?"

"Is grass really supposed to be edible?"

"I mean, why do you want to wipe yourself with such big words?"

"Green penguins?"

"Are we there yet?"

"Why are you so interested in toilet paper?"

"Who wants to play 'Kill the King'?"

"Red penguins?"

"NO!!!"

Raven rubbed her temples during the moment of sweet silence. WHY must she be cursed with having to exist near these idiots?

…

"But seriously, why would you need, in a moment of relief to the bladder, to know what the word 'jaunty' means?"

**Unfortunately, there were some questions that no one could answer.**

Yeah… Not my best work, but I wanted some closure on the party front. Anywho, I should have the next one up in a little bit. (As I said, I'm trying to upload my entire works for the next few weeks right now, before my brother takes away my only connection to the outside world. Bloody flu season.)

**Random Word of Wisdom: **_Every day I think people can't get any dumber, and every day I'm proven wrong. _


	8. Breeding

**I feel inclined to confirm that everything in this fic has actually happened, either to me or to someone I know, in some context, at some point. This is why I am so persistent in letting you know that these things come from my life. **

**Disclaimer: **_(Mummy lawyer sitting on stoop with paper bag.) Okay, so they still aren't mine. (Looks at bag) And… And whatever else the nice man told me to say. (Begins to tear up.) _

Pure Insanity

Breeding

One thing that everyone always seemed to notice about Starfire was her childlike composer. For this reason, no one questioned anything when she came home one day with a few plain, wooden dolls. She often played with them, arranging them into positions of certain dances and fighting stances. (Hey, that rhymed!) She left them on a shelf in the kitchen, so that she could keep an eye on them. But that was just the way she was, so no one ever thought twice about it.

One night, Cyborg's stomach woke him up. Why did he always give up the last piece of pizza? Oh well, nothing a good all-meat sandwich wouldn't fix. He got up and headed for the kitchen.

He got his little midnight snack and settled at the table. It was then that he noticed something very odd.

The wooden figures were on their usual shelf, but they weren't doing their usual thing. Someone had placed them in, well… why don't we just say a compromising position.

He swallowed and did a double take. Maybe they should start checking through some of those magazines the girl was getting…

But being the mature person that he was, he pushed the problem aside for now. It was probably one of Beast Boy's ridicules jokes. He got up, moved them out to the position, and went to bed.

-------

The next day, Cy got up for breakfast not even thinking about the events of the night before. It was time to go and destroy Beast Boy's tofu and eat a real breakfast.

He got to the kitchen and looked around. All of the other Titans were going about their business as usual. All was as it should be: Beast Boy bugging Raven, Raven ignoring him, Robin and Starfire flirting badly, Silky cooing little wooden baby…

Cyborg did a double take. One of the wooden figures was now holding a mini doll in its arms. That hadn't been there last night…

…

He shook his head. Some things were just too weird to even think about.

**For my crazy English teacher. Good luck figuring that one out. Anywho, I'll be back in a bit. **

**Random Word of Wisdom: **_Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk in front of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone. _


	9. It's Alive!

**I'm baaaaaaaaaack. Yea! The flooded streets outside have led my mother to decide that we once again needed Internet access, in spite of the fact that my uncle has become too distracted to finish what he began. I have spent the past few days reading and reviewing as much as possible in order too catch up, and now finally have my own computer back and can once again update! Rejoice, my beautiful little dandelions, rejoice! (Still no rejoicing) And again you disappoint me. Very well, welcome back to 101 Tales of Pure Insanity! **

**Disclaimer: **_Please keep you're arms and legs attached to your body at all points as you stare hypnotically at the computer screen and read about a bunch of characters whom I do not own. Thank you, and enjoy the ride. _

Pure Insanity 

It's Alive! Muahahaha!

Okay, she'd dealt with hostage situations, rampaging psychopaths, and power-hungry aliens; but this was just too much to ask.

It wasn't that she wasn't a bit worried, she just happened to have a thing about cleanliness, and this would undoubtedly lead to a very unclean situation.

Even so, she had little choice. She plugged her nose and headed upstairs to the greatest biohazard known to the modern man.

Beast Boy's room.

Raven held her breath as she approached the dreaded place. Normally, she wouldn't be anywhere near here. She avoided it as much as humanly possible, but the boy hadn't come down for breakfast, and as he'd never missed a meal, the others were starting to worry.

As the door became closer, she heard something. A strange, ominous sound.

Somebody was snickering in there.

Now Raven had been around long enough to know what occurred in her teammates as signs of trouble. It might not always be serious trouble, but it had the tendency to end in some sort of inconvenience. And Beast Boy snickering was one of the worst signs there was; it normally lead to somebody being either stuck in or soaked something.

She'd better go in there and shut him down now. Otherwise she might get caught in the crossfire. Again.

When she reached the door, she opened it immediately.

She could only stare.

Inside was a scene from straight out of Mary Shelly's "Frankenstein", complete with metal table holding a great amount of the gunk that had previously been sitting on the floor.

Standing over said table was the room's occupant, his hair wild and an insane grin plastered on his face.

"Yeeeeessssssssssssssssssss! It Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiives! Muahahahahahahahahahaha!"

She shook her head. Later, this was all going to go in the memoir. But for now…

"Yo, genius!" she snapped, bopping him in the back of the head, "It's time to eat!"

He blinked, confused. "Huh… Oh, right!" He grinned, "Race yah downstairs Rae!"

He was out the door before she could say anything else. She just shook her head and followed him.

But, as she left, she swore that she saw that mass of junk move around a bit.

**This is the part where I get to beg. Jack, if you're reading this, for the love of all things good, _please_ clean out your locker! And tell your partner that the Brit Lit classroom is off-limits until you do! I don't want to know what she'd do with "Dracula". And for everyone else, please, _please_ Review! Oh, and if any of you would like to check out my other story, just click on my profile. It would be much appreciated, even if I know it's a bit dreary. Again, I repeat, REVIEW! **

**And now, Today's Random word of Wisdom: **_Horse sense is the thing a horse has that keeps it from betting on people. _


	10. Dancin' Fools

**Um… Hi. Yeah. Ever notice that when there's a break coming up, all the teachers seem to give three times as much homework for a month in advance? Anywho, it is good to see you all again my wonderful little cherry blossoms. How have I missed you all. Welcome once again to 101 Tales of Pure Insanity! **

**Disclaimer: **_Yes! It's all MINE!!! (Mummy lawyer approaches) NOOO!!!!! I'm DONE living in fear!!!!! THEY ARE MINE!!!!!!! (Mummy lawyer takes out paper bag) You know… on second thought… Maybe I might be open to negotiation… (Mummy lawyer opens bag in slow, melodramatic manner) OKAY! OKAY! THEY AREN'T MINE! Happy?! _

Pure Insanity 

Dancin' Fools!

"_Ring around the Rosie, A pocket full of Posies…_"

Raven's eye twitched as she tried to ignore the seemingly drunk changeling running in circles around her. Normally, he wouldn't have survived this long, but they were in public. She glared across the dance floor to the cause of her misery, who was currently engaged in a not-so-subtle attempted to make Robin ask Star to dance.

Flashback: 

Thanks to forces apparently beyond her control, she was now sitting in the kitchen with the two numbskulls while waiting for Star and Rob to finish getting ready to go to the club. Beast Boy and Cyborg were starting to get impatient.

"_Dude! Can't they move any faster? It's heck boring out here!" _

_Of course Cyborg had his own insane way to pass the time. _

"_Hey B! Bet yah can't chug this whole two-liter of Mt Dew in under a minute!" _

"_You're on!" _

End Flashback: 

Apparently, caffeine and shape-shifters were a very bad combination.

"When we get home, he dies for this."

Meanwhile, unaware of the imminent threat on his life, Cyborg was still trying to hook his friends up. His shoulders slumped in defeat as the song changed from the slow waltz to a much faster (not to mention more annoying) tune.

_Where did you come from? _

_Where did you go? _

_Where did you come from, Cotton Eyed Joe?_

Now it was Cy's turn to twitch, "Great, hillbilly music."

Ah well, he could deal with those two later. He looked across the floor and smirked when he saw Raven's patented death glare directed at him, undoubtedly courtesy of the coffee-high teenager running in circles around her.

"I believe a bout of maniacal laughterwould be appropriate here?"

He jumped and looked back at the redhead with a sheepish grin.

"What, like it's any less funny to you?"

She thought about it for a moment, then giggled.

"Yes, I believe you are correct. It is rather amusing. You how did you know that the bubbly beverage you bought when last we went shopping would have such entertaining effects?"

It was then that the caffeine wore off, and the coma began.

"_Zzzzzzzzzzz…"_

Star frowned. "Why has friend Beast Boy fallen down? I would not have believed friend Raven would misplace her temper so quickly, but perhaps we should be sure?"

A light chuckle greeted her statement.

"Don't worry Star, it's all part of the plan. Just give it a minute."

And sure enough, exactly 60 seconds later the DJ grabbed his mike and made the announcement.

"AND NOW, THE VICTIM OF TONIGHT'S CRRRAZY DARE…"

Raven left Beast Boy in a chair by the dance floor and went to find the little girls room, all the while wondering how she'd been dragged into this. _'Well, at least with Beast Boy off that caffeine high I can at least _pretend_ to enjoy myself. Maybe then they'll leave me alone for a while…" _

Oh, little did she know…

Upon opening the door back into the main hall, however, the treachery of her metallic friend was revealed.

"_Oh, I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener…_"

There were teenagers all around the room with Pixie Stix in their hands. One, particularly large boy was laughing, loudly and evilly.

She felt her eye twitch.

"_That is what I'd truly like to be…_"

He was starting to circle again.

Cyborg… must… die… 

**Yeah… I'm not even gonna say anything about this. Except, of course, don't you dare forget to Review. **

**Random Word of Wisdom: **_A friend will call you in prison. A good friend will bail you out. But a best friend will be sitting there next to you going, "Boy, that was fun!" _


End file.
